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Unmanageable
I am a grateful believer in Christ in recovery for addiction and codependency, my name is Buck. I am someone that struggles with depression, always have. It has come and gone, sometimes barely noticeable, sometimes utterly confusing, and other times, almost debilitating.
I have been sober for over 17 years and have gone through a roller coaster of life since that point. I have served in recovery ministry for 10 years and have been a student of the 12-step process, sponsorship, leadership, and relationships. I have been busy, but something shifted in me last year. I realized that my priorities were out of order, so I have been making some painstaking changes. I recognized how my codependent choices have impacted my life and family, so I have stepped away from some roles that I now realize I had made an idol.
All through my service in ministry, I convinced myself that it was all good, that I was okay, until I wasn’t. I really thought all my efforts were supported by scripture, in line with God’s calling on my life, and honorable. All that could be argued, and there is a case to make for it, but when I started peeling away the things that kept me so busy, my depression increased. Or so I thought. I think what really happened was a resurfacing of feelings that I have been subconsciously suppressing and masking. All these years, I have been working on my recovery in various forms, serving, leading, building networks, creating a social media presence, and establishing systems, all to keep the depression at bay, or to create enough distractions that I could convince myself it was fine.
As I enter this season, I recognize that I need to finally face something I don’t really want to. There is a question in the step study that asks what you are afraid of as you begin this study? My answer is usually that God is going to reveal something in me that I don’t feel I have the capacity to deal with. Every time I take a deep dive into step work, I learn something new about myself, and sometimes it has been quite painful. I usually feel better on the other side, but I still fear what might come next because He thinks I am ready for it.
I guess I am right where I should be. Recognizing my fears and attempts to control is step 1. Now I have to be willing to let Him work in me.
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